I’ve been debating internally what I wanted to share about my health journey this week. I prayed about it and it was put in my heart that if I help one other person make the scary appointment or do the preventative maintenance, then it is worth sharing. This week I had a breast biopsy after a questionable spot was found during an MRI earlier this month. I am incredibly thankful to share that the results came back as benign. But I wanted to share with you the feelings that unexpectedly came with this appointment and how I worked through them.
A little background story
Breast cancer runs in my family. My paternal grandmother passed away from it. My mom has had it 3 times. Two of my aunts have battled it. I am 35 right now and most women start regular mammograms at age 40, but knowing my history, I decided to check out the options available to me nearby at the High Risk Clinic through Roswell Park Cancer Institute (More information here: https://www.roswellpark.org/cancer/breast/prevention-screening/am-i-high-risk) . I’d been looking at it on and off through the last few years, but finally decided to schedule the appointment since I wasn’t pregnant or nursing anymore. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t scared to go to the first one. I knew that they’d tell me that my risk was high. The genetic testing shows that we do not have the BRCA gene, so that’s positive. But even with that, I am at moderate risk (2%) until age 40 and then my risk jumps to “high” at 20%. I walked out of the appointment feeling confident in my decision to start on what I will call my preventative maintenance plan. The wonderful nurse practitioner I met with recommended that I alternate having an MRI and mammogram every 6 months until age 40 and then we will revisit my options when that risk jumps to 20%. My first MRI was about 3 weeks ago and my results showed a spot.
Leading up to the Biopsy
When Roswell called to tell me that I needed to have some further screening and potentially a biopsy, it was mid workday. My husband and I were both working from home and I walked down to his basement office and shared with him the news along with, “I’m not really sure how to process this but know I have these appointments in two weeks, and that’s that.” We moved along in our workday and as the appointments drew closer, they started to pop up in my mind more frequently. I chatted with my mom about it this past weekend over a cup of coffee and admitted out loud that I was feeling good about the appointments but starting to get nervous. The night before the appointment, my emotions related to this caught me off guard. I was making dinner and everything seemed to go wrong. We were late getting home. I was already hungry (never a good start). I was trying a new recipe in the Instant Pot and somehow messed up every step, probably because I was distracted mentally and didn’t realize it. Then the pressure cooker didn’t seal right so my cook time dragged out since I didn’t realize it for probably 10 minutes as I was doing other things. I started getting frustrated with everything. I didn’t want the girls in the kitchen with me. My dog picked up on my anxiety so his anxiety was out of control and he kept going under my feet. God Bless my husband for getting everyone settled with Uncrustable sandwiches since dinner was delayed and blocking our dog out of the kitchen so I could move towards recentering myself. Then when our food was finally ready, I started crying and told my husband “I think I’m finally processing everything for tomorrow.” Nothing like crying into a plate full of food because my emotions finally surfaced and I let them through. I share this because I don’t think we talk enough about the emotions related to potentially scary doctor appointments. I’m navigating uncharted territory in my wellness and even though I’ve seen other women around me bravely face these appointments themselves, I am my own unique person who will process everything in my own way. Keeping it all in does nothing for me. I can calmly write about it here because I let the tears and fear out earlier this week. Keeping it inside doesn’t serve my body.
Day of the Appointment
I actually misunderstood my appointment schedule. I thought I was going into Roswell just for an Ultrasound and then if that couldn’t detect the needed information, then I would go for the biopsy the next day. Going back to that call from the doctor originally telling me of the appointments, I didn’t really know what to ask or clarify since this is new territory for me, and the shock of it, I wrote down the dates and moved on. So when they finished the ultrasound and said the Doctor will review the results and we will start getting prepped for the biopsy if we can do it today, I was surprised, but happy that I wouldn’t have to come back potentially. For anyone wondering, there’s a few ways to do a breast biopsy. There’s an ultrasound biopsy and an MRI biopsy. I’m sure there are a number of factors that dictate which route they can go for each patient, but mine was an ultrasound biopsy. Everything went smoothly during the procedure and I went on about my day.
Later that Day
I decided to work from home after having the biopsy. The doctor did a wonderful job, but even said as she was getting the sample, “I already see the bruise forming under your skin, so ice is a good choice.” And I did not want to ice my boob in the office. So I hopped on a work call and started working through a project I’m getting close to a deadline on. My coworker gave me some constructive feedback and all of the sudden, I got choked up. I wanted to cry over a simple suggestion she made for speaking points. I had another call with my manager approximately 5 mins after that call and when he asked me “How are you?”, the floodgates opened and I started crying. Luckily, I have an amazing manager who I had previously informed of the nature of the appointments this week. He kindly reminded me that it’s ok to be human and not just a robot at work. I am thankful that I have the team that I do and understands life is happening at the same time as work. I tried to pull it together and move on to our topic that we needed to chat about, but eventually asked to reschedule for another day.
What do I do when big emotions hit?
I knew I needed to move the emotions through my body to get them out. I don’t harbor them in anymore because all that does is cause me stress. So I went for a walk alone. I would have preferred a run, but doctor’s orders for no strenuous exercise made me limit my pace to a brisk walk. I focused on the sounds of nature. I had started my day earlier with a leg workout to ground myself in. This was part two of grounding. I find myself most grounded in nature. By the time I got back, my emotions were in balance. I no longer felt fearful or worried. I found my peace. I was exhausted and wanted a nap because let’s be honest, it was a lot to process and go through for me. Finding ways to move tough emotions like anger, sadness, and fear through me has helped my stress levels immensely. I used to think I could just journal them out or pray about it. Both of these things help process for sure, and I trust God is holding me close, but actually moving the emotions through my body is by far the best way I have discovered to get them out of me and create space for peace.
In summary…
I said a lot in this post. Emotions are a part of me and you. Being brave and setting the scary doctor appointment for preventative maintenance is only one piece of the puzzle. People keep telling me this week that it’s great that I am being proactive about my breast cancer risk. Yes, that’s true. But I am more proud of bravely sharing the emotional experience that sometimes goes along with being proactive.